A Neighborhood Dilemma
I hesitated to post this and I certainly hope I do NOT offend anyone; but, truth be known, I was offended TWICE in less than one hour and I think I might need some good advice as to how to calm a disturbing discussion that took place in my neighborhood a few days ago. I have a pretty “laid back” type of personality and don’t let things get to me too often. However, I feel as though I could have been the cause of said problem by telling two of my neighbors about a “run-in” I had at a local K-Mart store and it has me extremely upset. But, I need to lay some background so you can have some idea as to what started the problem.
I had gone to K-Mart to buy a couple of items. I only found one of the items I was looking for so headed for the register. The store was quite busy and there was a pretty long line at each of the cashiers. I was waiting my turn behind one more customer who had a LOT of merchandise and another lady was just pulling in behind me with a cart filled to overflowing when a cashier opened the register right next to us. The cashier looked directly at me and said, “I’ll help the next person in line” at which time I turned to go to her cash register. The woman behind me, flipped her cart around and got in line ahead of me. Now, mind you, she must have had at least 30 - 40 items in her cart. I held up my one item and said calmly, “I think she was talking to me.” The lady became irate! I’m sorry, but this took me by surprise! The events that followed are inexplicable. She turned and actually glared at me and said (and I quote verbatim) “Ain’t NOBODY talkin’ to you, bitch!” Oh dear, I was flabbergasted, but I thought that the cashier should have spoken up and said something to the effect of, “Ma’am, she’s only got one item and I can ring her up quickly while you are unloading your cart”. The cashier was struck dumb - nothing came out of her mouth and she wouldn’t make eye contact with me OR the fuming person standing in front of me. So, I went back to the other line.
When I got home, my neighbor from across the street was standing in my next door neighbors yard talking. They called me over and during our conversation, I related the incident that had occurred at K-Mart. The neighbor from across the street immediately asked me…now listen to this…”What color was she?” WHAT??? What the heck did she just say? I said, “What possible difference could THAT make?” To which she replied, and, again, I quote, “I guess you’ve answered my question; she was black, wasn’t she?” I couldn’t speak. I was nearly catatonic! I just looked at her. Finally, I said, “Rudeness has no color; case in point, I think your question was extremely rude, insensitive and racist!” It was her turn to be taken aback. She turned abruptly and literally stomped across the street. My next door neighbor said, “Wow, you’re really ticked off!” to which I replied, “Yes, I am, aren’t you?” I was turning to also stomp into my house and I didn’t pay particular attention to his answer if, indeed, he gave me one. I am STILL angry and can’t seem to shake it off.
We are new to the neighborhood, the “new kids on the block” so to speak, having moved here only a little over a year ago and I am truly distressed that we have had and perhaps will continue to have a strained relationship with one of our neighbors. There are only four houses on our block so are neighborly friendships are few. I am absolutely sure that I don’t owe her an apology and with the way she reacted, I know I won’t get any apology from her. Am I over-reacting? I really don’t know what to do to reduce the tension; any suggestions?
Until next time.
Tags: background, black, cashier, confrontation, customer, friendship, incensitive, neighborhood, offended, problem, racism, relationship, shopping cart, tension, ticked off
Filed under: anger, confrontation, insensitivity, neighborhood, neighbors, racism, tension
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Hi Judy,
Well good for you, you stood your ground. In my opinion, you don’t owe anyone an apology. Your neighbor owes you one. You would think by who the President Elect is, that we would have gotten past this type of racial tension. Afterall, he was elected by a wide majority. It’s time to be more open minded.
BTW, people Mr.Obama can see things from both sides of the coin, black or white!
Barbaras last blog post..Safety and Cell Phones: What Pregnant Women Should Know
You’re right, Barbara…you’d think; but I’m afraid there are still a lot of narrow minded people who will NEVER change their ways. I had not had a first hand encounter with such prejudice and I was shocked and it took me a full minute before I could speak my mind. So sad!
Judys last blog post..Staying On Task…Or Not
I had the same type of thing happen to me at our Giant’s grocery store and the attack on myself was very disturbing, needless to say I don’t go there any more of course I didn’t have the problem with a neighbor that you are experiencing.
Some people simply carry prejudices all their life whether they are black or white, I am not prejudice, but I’ll certainly never put myself in the position where any race will ever talk to me like I’m less than human just because they carry a big chip on their shoulder.
That was pretty rude! However, being just as offended, I would of told the cashier to ring me up! Then turn and tell the lady behind me to “get over it!” Imagine the power you did not give her!
As for your neighbors … you owe them no apology and you did not give your power to them either!
Always keep your power and no one can mess with your temper!
Lindas last blog post..The Global Seed Vault
I have a ribbon award for you.
Ask Ms Recipe
Nice to see you stick to your principles. You don’t owe anybody an apology. The truth is that some Americans have not matured yet. It’s better not to have friends than hang around with bigots. You have your family who loves you. They’re more than any number of neighbors you have.
Joels last blog post..Time To Make My Rounds
Thanks Jude for your comment. It IS a frightening experience especially when you’ve done nothing to provoke it. I will continue to shop at K-Mart; have done so for years and I’m sure this was just an isolated incident. Stop back any time to “see” me.
Hi Linda, I thought it should have been the cashier’s place to do that. I was brought up in an era when you behaved like a “lady” at all times and did NOT EVER make a scene. I don’t know if this teaching kicked in at the time or I was just to stunned to respond. I don’t feel as though I owe anyone an apology and have reached the point where I don’t care if my neighbor gives me one or not. I will be cordial when necessary.
Thanks for your comment.
Yes, Joel. Family is ALL you have when it comes right down to it. They will be right there through it all! I surely hope the “change” that we all look for and need is now on our horizon. Thanks for you comment. Please stop back any time.
I have no idea what I would do in your situation, I think I would have been speechless in almost every altercation you had. Good for you to speak up.
I’m thinking of how miss manners would have handled the neighbor situation, and I can envision her answer to “what color was she?”
“I don’t recall.”
Sorry you seem to be surrounded by jerks, at least on that day.
Stacey Kimmels last blog post..Moon blindness, or equine recurrent uveitis (ERU)
OH Stacey, that would have been a perfect response! I wish I had thought of that…would have defused the situation immediately! (However, I still would have been ticked that she would even make a comment like that!) Thank you for sharing and come back soon!
Judys last blog post..Staying On Task…Or Not
Hi Judy, I can really relate to you, I am from the South, where women are “suppose” to act like ladies… For many, those days are “Gone with the Wind”. I read through all of your responses and agree with them all. You can stand up for yourself and still act dignified and lady-like. I’ve found the trick is to never raise my voice, when faced with this type of public encounter, I would walk over to the check-out with my “one” item, and politely say “she WAS talking to me” or if the over-flowing cart person gets in your face, you simply direct your comments to the cashier, “you did say next in line? right? and I was next in line”…
It’s a shame that some people are raised with such poor manners. But we can do our part by leading by example. I wish you luck, hold your head high cause you were right!
Monicas last blog post..Houseplants Equal Cleaner Air and Some Other Interesting Facts…
Thank you, Monica, for your comment. I think I could have handled the situation at K-Mart better, but I was so stunned, I guess I was speechless. I hate confrontation of any kind. I think I did the best I could with the neighbor, but I don’t think we’ll ever have a friendly relationship and that upsets me because I’m a friendly person at heart. Come back soon, Monica!
*sigh* Oh boy…
I’m offended by both incidents, too and totally agree with you on both counts. It’s too bad the cashier didn’t do what my favorite local grocery store does: The cashier walks right up to the next person in line and speaks directly to them when they open up a new line. There’s no confusion there, and they invite the very next person in line.
As for race - I don’t know what that matters. At my day job I work in a call center and I can’t hear race in people’s voices and am really offended when relating a story about a caller and a co-worker asks what race the caller is. Ditto when a caller rags on about a conflict they’re having with a person of a certain race, blaming race as the reason for the conflict. (And how do they know what my race is? Aargh, so offensive!)
*sigh * again. I don’t know the answer. I’m tired of it too. As for your neighbors - I’d say just be yourself: friendly, social, kind… You’ll either become friends eventually… or you’ll be the bigger person who behaves maturely. Either way you come out ahead with no regrets. Good luck?
Pam Hawks last blog post..Incorporating Video Into Your Blog
Thanks for your insight Pam. I’m sorry you’re having conflict as well. I surely hope this nation gets the “change” they’re looking for and SOON! I also hope that my neighbor and I can at least be cordial in the future, but it may take some time. I pulled out of my driveway this afternoon while she was out raking leaves. I honked the horn and waved and she looked up and then turned her back. Me too with the *sigh*. Hope to see you back soon.
I think it depends on how much you value your values. We have one neighbor that we sometimes talk to, the others we never got along with. But even this neighbor has issues - he went to make a comment about Hispanics in his neighborhood while he was growing up (mind you he is about 60 with a hip replacement and no more than 5′9), and of course it border on racist and was stereotypical - my husband just smiled, but I have a big mouth and said “Watch out, you know the big guy here is Hispanic” (my husband being 6′6, 30 years old and built like a pro-wrestler). Of course the next thing out of hismouth was something about not meaning anything by it, and he has some good hispanic friends - uhhuh…
Emily Canibanos last blog post..15 Years and I Still Struggle
Hi Emily, thanks for sharing. Seems there are insensitive people all around. One does have to stick up for their principles. Please come back soon and visit.
Judys last blog post..The Incredible Story of Molly
You did the right thing. Don’t worry if these neighbors are less than friendly. It will be their loss. It is a said situation though.
Thank you, Karen. I’m relatively comfortable with the way I handled the situation but I do not like strained feelings in my neighborhood. The neighborhood we left was so friendly…we had parties together and helped each other when necessary and shared desserts and casseroles when someone was incapacitated in some way. I think that’s the way all neighborhoods should be, but, sadly, such is not the case.
But, thanks for your comment and please stop back soon!
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